A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
From my Mom
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot