DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I cannot call her anything else now
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
the prophecy has been fulfilled