Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Time for evil
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
new year update: losing everything but weight
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.