I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
You Might Also Like
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house