went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*weighs self after shaving
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down