Wait a minute…
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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.