I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
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I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.