It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver š
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. Heās 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Hi Iām an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I donāt gossip.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So Iām tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. Itās next to your machete
J: Hon, thatās my work mask. If itās all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when Iām stalking camp councillors
Overheard:
5yo : you think Iām ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Thereās a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write ācan we please stop talking about thisā with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My kid hasnāt finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money š
Dispatch: 911 whatās your emergency
Me: Iām being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They wonāt stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Maāam, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Wednesday
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the ālaterā setting, so now weāre having dinner at 1:50pm.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.