when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂