Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My background check bounced.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.