My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Can Happiness buy money?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.