i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
scares