Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I have a place for everything. The floor.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids