If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
this is so top tier i cant
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.