My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Oh my god
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.