“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.