I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Mission: Impossible
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell