The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
“OMGJK” -atheists
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Every house has this drawer
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song