I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*