What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.