we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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Tastes like chicken.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Nice try, poison.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
A roof is a house hat.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.