The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit