Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
So the ex texted me
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Otters drive ottermobiles.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company