Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.