6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
my dog when i have a friend over