A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.