Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX