learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.