I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
This could be us but you eatin’
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I feel seen
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.