i meant to share this earlier
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Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes