[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
You Might Also Like
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me too 😆
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.