Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?