me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna