my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I forgot how to panic. Help
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…