*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
You Might Also Like
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny