My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”