Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.