Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
this is the greatest thing ever
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife