Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m giving up for Lent.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}