9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
You Might Also Like
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.