I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
new wife guy just dropped
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.