Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
You Might Also Like
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
i will not be silenced
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.