I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.