Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth