BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
#oldknees
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”