[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
You Might Also Like
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Geez man, take it easy.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan