yea so i messed up lol
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INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
BaD BoY!!
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.