been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.