walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE