ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Its a hippotatomus
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.